BDSM for Beginners: Interview with a BDSM Coach

You’ve heard about it and maybe you’ve tried to dabble in it (blindfolds and handcuffs anyone?), but what do you really know about BDSM?

69% of people have either performed or fantasised about the sexual activity, according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine. The sub-culture became more acceptable after 50 Shades of Grey, yet there are still many misconceptions around what it involves.

To help you gain confidence as a BDSM beginner, I spoke to best-selling author, creator of The Kink Fix and co-founder of The BDSM coaches, Emily Anne.

What is BDSM?

‘BDSM is a type of consensual sexual or non-sexual adult play that involves practices such as power exchange, physical restraint, and the infliction of pain. BDSM as an acronym actually should be “BDDSSM,” since the D and S have double meanings and stands for: Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism.

Popular sex/kinks acts include orgasm denial, dominance and submission, spanking, and tying your partner up (such as with Shibari)’, says Emily.

Beginner BDSM Safety Tips

Before practicing any form of BDSM, it’s important to remember that it should always be safe and consensual. Research published by the BBC found that more than 38% of women who took part in a survey, had experienced acts such as chocking, spitting and gagging that were unwanted at least some of the time.

‘Education and communication are key to safety in BDSM. If you are new, you should read about and talk to other experienced kinksters if at all possible. Our community is founded on “SSC”, which means that all play should be “Safe, Sane and Consensual”.

In addition, we are “risk aware,” which means know your risk level.  (RACK is another acronym, which means Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Know the risks of the activity you are about to embark. People forget that there are emotional and psychological risks to BDSM, not just physical ones, like with impact play (ie, spanking, flogging, etc.) and bondage. Make sure you communicate with your partner about limits, desires and risks.

Have a safe word and a safe signal, which means something that your partner can indicate if they are non-verbal or cannot speak during a BDSM scene (such as having a gag in their mouth)’, says Emily.

Introducing BDSM as a couple

With so many bondage products on the market (different masks, gags, restraints) it can be hard to know where to start. Emily recommends you first introduce BDSM into your relationship by having a conversation around what you each might be interested in.

‘The best way to do this is to take a BDSM or Kink test (we have two on our sites – one is printable, the other is a digital ranking system). There is also a BDSM test that shows more of a kink personality trait analysis. These tests allow partners to review a list or “menu” of sexual and non-sexual activities and rate them as far as whether they are interested in doing them and if there are hard limits. Often with couples, just this exercise of filling out a form and talking about their results together opens up a sexy new door to their relationship and can even increase their level of intimacy’, says Emily.

Sexual activities for newbies

‘As far as what activities I recommend for new couples, it really depends on what aspects of BDSM the couple is interested in. I recommend doing what I call “light bondage” such as one partner holding the other’s hands firmly above their head, so they don’t move. Or bringing in bed restraints and just placing the wrists in them. “Light impact play” could be lightly spanking your partner without much pain. Later, you can maybe bring in an implement like a flogger or paddle.

In the realm of dominance and submission, a couple can have a lot of fun finding their Dom/Sub nicknames and using them in flirty texting. For example, the dominant can text a fun command to the submissive partner and reward them when they comply. It is a good idea to start small and then build at a pace that works for both partners. In addition, simply having the submissive partner kneel during sexual play is a fun starter for newbies to dominance and submission’, Emily says.

Since practising BDSM, my biggest two tips are:

1. To invest in soft items first – (feather tickler over a riding crop, basic handcuffs etc.) I recommend Lovehoney’s 50 Shades of Grey Faux Feather Tickler and Boutique Handcuffs. Having soft, ‘friendly-looking’ items made me feel more comfortable.
2. Be super specific. The chances are – your idea of rough and kinky is completely different to your partner’s. Don’t shy away from discussions on exactly what you want.

How to be more dominant

I find women are usually more sexually submissive, sometimes due to low confidence. If you want to be more dominant, Emily suggests you focus on being authentic:

‘I am a Switch, which means I can be dominant or submissive. As I teach in my Femme Domme classes (some of which include submissives as students), the way to gain that confidence to dominate comes from being authentic in your role and knowing your submissive’s desires and limits. Beyond that, learning a skill such as working with implements, learning how to create a BDSM scene, and learning bondage techniques can also help raise confidence in a female-identifying dominant.

Most women assume a femme domme is a mean tyrant dressed in all black, inflicting pain on their sub. However, this is not the case. I am a “Mommy” domme for example, which means I am very loving and caring in my dominance,’ Emily says.

Misconceptions around the culture

BDSM became more mainstream after the infamous ’50 Shades of Grey’, but with that, misconceptions have also increased.

Here’s what Emily thinks people get wrong about it:

‘I think there are three main things people get wrong: a) consent, b) what real dominance means, and c) what kinky people are like.

1. People often think that 50 Shades accurately portrayed consent and formal communication of boundaries. There are many examples in that movie that go against our SSC and RACK principles in the BDSM community.
2. People also assume that a dominant is always like Christian Grey: Sadistic. There are many types of dominants and submissives and sadism does not equate to being dominant, it is just one aspect that can come into play.
3. People got the impression that BDSM participants are mentally ill or have some deep-seated mental health problem that is the impetus for their participation in BDSM. In fact, studies show that BDSM participants generally are mentally healthier, especially in partnered relationships.’

Opting for a BDSM coach

If you would like more training and expertise, working with a coach can help you learn all the fundamentals and help you get more out of your BDSM experience. Emily began mentoring and teaching people in 2017, which quickly blossomed into formal coaching.

‘My philosophy is that everyone should have the sex life they want. Through kink and BDSM, you can find your passion, creativity and hot, steamy sex all in one place if you choose! As a coach, I help you bridge the gap between where you are now, and how kinky you want to be. Sometimes, I am a guide and support to help mentor you through the world of BDSM and kink, which can be intimidating to new people’, Emily says.

Emily’s typically coaches people who have come into a new relationship with someone who has experience in kink, or with a partner who is suggesting they would like to try some BDSM activities.  She also helps singles navigate the kinky dating world.

You can find out more about Emily and her training through The Kink Fix and BDSM coaches.

What are your thoughts? Are you currently considering BDSM activities but are not sure where to start?

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